what is trauma?

If you consider yourself a survivor of trauma, and have been following the topic over the past decade or so, you will have noticed a massive increase in books, articles, podcasts, and methods purported to be therapeutic.

I consider myself a survivor of trauma, and find this mostly encouraging: better for trauma to be in the light where we can have a look at it, rather than buried in the collective shadow.

Studying trauma from numerous angles over many years has helped me tremendously, and I have great respect for many teachers and practitioners.

That being said, I have a strong preference for David Bedrick’s definition of trauma. His definition is clear and also functional, that is, it offers us a path of growth to explore.

So it is with humility and gratitude to David, one of my core teachers, that I offer these reflections on trauma, for this is his work, filtered through my language and experience.

Let’s start with a concise definition of trauma, and then unpack it:

“Trauma is an abuse unwitnessed.” –David Bedrick

For this definition to make sense and be functional, we have to clearly define “abuse” and “witnessing.”

According to Bedrick, abuse always meets the following criteria:

1. There is an assault, a hurt

2. There is a power differential (parent/child, teacher/student, etc.)

3. There is a lack of consent

4. The injured person cannot adequately defend themselves

An assault is abuse* if it meets these criteria. Whether or not the abuse becomes trauma in the victim’s lived experience depends on a third component: the witness.

The witness is “the person who saw, or didn’t see, or heard the story later, or received a report of it, or should have known.” (Bedrick, 70)

If there is no witness, the abuse will be internalized as trauma.

If there is a witness who pretends the assault didn’t happen, the abuse will be internalized as trauma.

If there is a witness, but that witness minimizes, gaslights, dismisses, or denies the experience, the abuse will be internalized as trauma.

In these situations, the trauma occurs because “our system isn’t free to do what it would naturally do”, i.e. run, fight, scream, express our needs, etc.

That trauma then leads to a pattern, where, when triggered, the person’s system is overwhelmed. In addition to the pain of this pattern, and the disruption of functioning, trauma blocks some (or many) of the person’s gifts. The person’s self-image is wrapped in shame.

The process of UnShaming involves a caring witness. Someone who cares deeply about the abuse, who wants to know the details, who “express[es] empathy and compassion, and demonstrat[es] a profound trust in the heart and story of the person.” (Bedrick, 70).

I love offering Process Work, as learned from David, because I get to be a caring witness. When unfolding a survivor’s experience, it is more than just a “release” of trauma, it is a reclaiming of the gifts that were wrapped in shame.

Process Work is effective because it offers a skilled, caring witness who can follow another person’s unfolding experience, which leads inevitably to deeper knowing of some “medicine” and/or gifts the person carries within.

Process work is safe because, by UnShaming the abuse, by closely following the other person’s unfolding experience, by believing in the other person, by always looking for the other person’s feedback, what unfolds is exactly what that person needs to unfold in that moment.

Reach out to me if you’re ready to start exploring.

*Abuse doesn’t always come from a person. It can arise from unsafe employment conditions, system forces (as in systemic racism), or large scale events (a hurricane, a pandemic, a war), to name a few.

References

Personal communication, 10-Month Process Work Certification Course, David Bedrick (2023).

UnShamed Guidebook, David Bedrick (2023).

What’s it like to work with me?

It’s impossible to give an accurate forecast about what it will be like to receive coaching from me, because the experience is an unfolding relationship, and what will matter most is how you feel in that relationship.

And how you feel in that relationship has very little to do with thinking: it is lived experience.

Still, our brain is devoted to protecting us from fear and injury, and naturally wonders: “Do I resonate with his approach to coaching?”, so it feels important to describe the most essential aspects of what I do.

I’m here to walk alongside you, in service to living your values.

In other words, I’m here to help you move closer to what you want most, in all domains of your life.

Among the many tools we will use along the way, two are foundational: The Empowerment Dynamic (TED*), and Process Work.

To use Molly Gordon’s elegant phrase, TED* is “utterly simple and endlessly nuanced,” and has 3 steps:

1. What am I focusing on? (on what I want, or on what I don’t want?)

2. How am I relating? (am I in the “Dreaded Drama Triangle”, or the Empowerment Dynamic)

3. What actions am I taking? (we determine the baby steps that will best serve your needs)

TED* is effective, powerful, and applicable in every life situation.

Like every method, TED* is both useful and limited, and this is where Process Work comes in.

The lineage of Process Work I practice comes originally from Arnold Mindell, as taught by his longtime student David Bedrick, who has added a crucial piece– “UnShaming”-- to the practice.

Process Work believes in everything about you, especially the parts that have been marginalized or put in the shadow. That tinnitus that drives you crazy, that pain in your left lower neck, that behavior you wish you could stop: Process Work does not consider these to be a pathology or an accident, but sources of wisdom. It believes in the wisdom of all your symptoms, concerns, resistances, addictions, emotions, dreams, and body sensations. Process Work involves noticing, supporting, and unfolding these aspects of your experience, which possess profound medicine you need to move forward.

It is also a safe and effective method of working with trauma and abuse, because it honors and follows your experience and feedback every step of the way.

Both of these methods are awareness work. Both of these methods are about you becoming more you: bringing you closer to discovering and living into your true self, the you that your soul already knows.

Contact me and see for yourself.

Have you souled out?

There’s a ton of literature out there on burnout.*

I’m interested in exploring another phenomenon with you, that of being “souled out.”**

On paper, your job is a pretty sweet deal, but it’s become very hard to function.

You like your manager, you like your team. The work itself isn’t too onerous, the pay and benefits are more than adequate. You even have a fair amount of autonomy and flexibility, and yet everything feels flat. Colorless.

It used to be exciting, and it wasn’t just novelty: the work felt meaningful. Now? Meh.

Rationally, you can’t pin it down. There are a few scapegoats you could target, but on reflection, you know that’s not the real issue.

What if you are souled out?

What if your life force is inextricably connected with the expression of your soul?

Seemingly infinite definitions of “soul” exist, as it is, by nature, a mysterious force, and therefore resists total capture by language.

Let’s play for a moment with Bill Plotkin’s notion that soul means an “unique ecological niche.” In addition to being unique, this ecological niche is discovered, not invented. It’s in us already, like the oak tree in the acorn. The acorn doesn’t have an existential crisis, and decide what kind of tree it will be; it has a true nature, and the life force within will push to embody that.***

So let’s imagine that our soul already knows what kind of shape it wants to express in the universe. If this is true, then all of our ambitions, and all of the ambitions implanted in us from external forces, don’t alter, even a little bit, the unique niche of our soul.

All the experiences we have along the bumpy road of life, then, can be seen as our curriculum.****

For a while, perhaps for years, this job (or this relationship, this geographical place) was a crucial part of your curriculum, so it still felt juicy. Now, you’ve learned what you needed to learn, so it feels like you’re trying to squeeze blood from a stone.

When this happens, can we learn to trust, and sit with, the discomfort of this experience…to create space for what is waiting to be born?

Even with devoted practice, chances are 100% we won’t be able to do that alone. We are all, myself included, asleep to so much. We need allies. We need someone, at least one trusted someone, who can confidently help us trust and follow our own inner knowing.

My whole process as a coach, and my greatest joy, is to walk alongside you in just this way, so that your soul can speak, be recognized by itself, and expressed in the world.

* Dr. Christina Maslach, pioneer of burnout research, describes burnout as a phenomenon marked by three domains: emotional exhaustion, depersonalization / cynicism, and ineffectiveness.

** Born squarely in Gen X, this phrase delights me on numerous levels, aside from the obvious pun. Selling out, or not selling out, was a prevalent theme in our formative years.

*** Please lecture me about how humans have free will, not the consciousness of an acorn.

**** Attribution for “curriculum” being used in this context: Ram Dass.

Are you ready?

There is so much noise in modern human life, so much stimulation, such a stew of never-ending conflict and crisis, that it becomes very difficult to remember your true nature.

To remember who we are, we must go against the grain.

There is a place for rebellion, protest, and political action. However, cycles of dysfunction keep repeating themselves (and appear to get worse) because, most often, most of the people engaged in these activities are coming from a place of inner turmoil.

There is no shame in emotional turmoil, being reactive. It is simply proof we are alive, and human. But decisions made from these states of inner conflict, these states of self-forgetting, perpetuate states of outer conflict.

This inner turmoil blends with another phenomenon: a world where our so-called modern systems (of politics, healthcare, education, etc.) have already largely fallen apart, yet we are still operating within them.

Modern human systems were built from a colonial consciousness that objectified, measured, and dominated. This allows for some flourishing and creativity, but only for the select few of privilege, or those who have found a way to transcend their poverty.

Everywhere we look we find evidence to support a bleak outlook, and our culture is saturated in this despair.

The way out exists, and is very difficult.

It involves action to create new systems that don’t yet exist, created by individuals and communities who remember who they are.

Who are we? What is our true nature?

There are many ways to say it, yet it can only be known as an experience.

Our true nature is basic goodness.

Our true nature is that we are creative, resourceful and whole.

Our true nature is spirit / god, and we are interwoven with all that is.

Our true nature is limitless compassion.

To begin walking this difficult path, which begins with remembering our true nature, we must be hungry. Desperately hungry. Otherwise we will stay asleep. We will read articles about the water crisis, but hey, it is coming out of the tap, so no worries.

Just as individuals often need to hit their version of rock bottom in order to be motivated to change, so too must a culture, a collective.

Are we there yet?

Are you there yet?

Are you ready to explore who you really are, and have your outer life flow from your true self?

Trusting your true nature

The first time I tasted my true nature– and knew what it was– was in 2003, in vipassana retreat with my teachers, Pujari and Abhilasha.

I had been back from India for a couple of years, had declared bankruptcy, and was living in a small Utah town to be near “The Last Resort,” Pujari and Abhilasha’s home and retreat center. Nothing much was happening. I was waiting tables. I had no car, and my only acquaintances were my colleagues at the restaurant, run by an eccentric, warm-hearted ex-San Francisco chef. I lived in a small studio that was $250 a month and slept on a futon on the floor.

Sitting and walking, that’s what you do in a vipassana retreat. Pujari also leads a daily yoga session, and Abhilasha’s food is unparalleled. After the opening meal, it is silent until the last day. The only exception is your private interview with Pujari, which happens every other day. You tell him what is coming up, and he supports you in staying with it.

A few days into the retreat a black hole appeared in the center of my chest. It was certainly a novel experience. I remember being slightly disturbed, but mostly curious, just sitting, watching this strong sucking sensation in the chest.

My interview with Pujari came. I told him about the black hole. He calmly nodded and said, good, good, stay with it. Just allow. Trusting him, I went back to the meditation bench and did just that. Not trying to change it, fix it, make it different…just participating with the experience of black hole-ness in my chest.

Was it hours, days, that I sat with the black hole? Time ceases to have much meaning in that setting, once you surrender to the rhythm of the practice.

Eventually, in an instant, the black hole disappeared. At the same instant, something happened to my heart. It was expansive. More than expansive, it was without limit. Effortlessly my heart saw all beings, including those who are the most violent towards others, with total compassion. My mind was quiet, not intoxicated at all, and I could direct my heart to look upon any aspect of the universe, which was now clearly not separate, with this exquisite compassion.

Again, I have no idea how long this lasted, and it doesn’t matter. I’ve never been the same.

Of course, since then, I’ve remained a messy human being, and I don’t walk around in that state all the time. I take things personally, react unskillfully, have all the emotions.

But since that experience, all that mess happens within a different context.

The context used to be: I am a schmuck. Weak, not worth much. Depressed, not capable of much. Basically unlovable.

Now the context is: I am aware of who I really am: an interconnected soul who possesses limitless compassion.

That’s who you are too.

All our suffering occurs because we forget, or we’ve never seen it clearly.

More than 20 years later, I am just starting to trust it, meaning, to act as if I believe it, to live my life in congruence with this truth.

When I work with clients, I don’t pathogize anything. Instead, I remember who you are, and we work with whatever arises within that context.

do you have a dying practice?

We all know death is inevitable, yet denying this fact (see: Ernest Becker) seems to be our central preoccupation.

As a pediatric ICU nurse, I was constantly reminded, as I watched children die, of another fact we all know, but would prefer to bury: the moment of our death is unpredictable, and could happen at any moment.

How much tension lives in us because of our denial of death?

As the cliche goes, the only way out is through, and in this case, the way out is through consciously adopting a dying practice.

A dying practice can take infinite forms, and is a process with a beginning and no end.

Here are just a few ideas for practice…

Lie on the ground in a comfortable position and do nothing…imagine you are dead, and are unable to do anything…

Die to ruminations of what others think of you…

Take on an “impossible” physical goal that demands every day commitment, and follow through with it, dying to your preferences for comfort, to your mind’s ideas of limitations…

Die to your family’s expectations for you…

Die to the lie that your worth depends on your productivity, your beauty, your weight, your wealth, your service to others, your spiritual attainments…

Die to the lie that you are separate…

Die to one habit that diminishes your life force…note that this could be a way of being in a relationship…

Our life is not separate from our death, and without a conscious dying practice, we never taste the freedom of living fully.

22 reasons i am the coach you need

1. You are in pain

2. You feel lost

3. You are dying

4. You believe you already have everything you need inside of you, but sometimes, it feels hard to access

5. You need the deepest parts of you to be seen and valued, but are scared to express those things, because you doubt anyone can truly meet you there

6. You are curious about somatic work, but want it to be safe, want it to follow your own inner knowing

7. You’d love to talk about the hardest things, the scariest things, the darkest things, but you don’t want to be pathologized

8. You identify as a trauma survivor, and want to learn how to use it, rather than be used by it

9. You want to find the medicine in you

10. You want to do shadow work

11. You consider spirituality to be essential, and, in fact, inseparable from all other aspects of life

12. You’d like to deepen your spiritual practices

13. You want to quiet your mind and open your heart

14. You are tired of identifying as a victim

15. You want more love, more compassion, more boundaries in your relationships

16. You want unshakable confidence

17. You are ready to face all your fears (gradually…)

18. You want freedom from the inner critic

19. You believe you could be your own shaman, could learn to use all of life’s forces

20. You have done a lot of “work” already, but you long to go deeper

21. You have not done a lot of “work” already, but you are curious, willing to dive in wholeheartedly

22. Your soul is hungry for layers of meaning and purpose that modern culture fails to provide

My coaching niche is depth.

One coach I know works with entrepreneurs whose businesses are designed to make an impact, either socially, or with climate, or both.

Another works with high-level executive leaders.

Perhaps there is something necessary and even soulful about defining a niche.

The word “soul” carries with it a nearly infinite river of attempted definitions. One of my favorites comes from Bill Plotkin, who says that soul is “our unique ecological niche.”

An ecological niche might be easier to approach if you think about non-human nature. The way plankton constitutes a critical link in the ocean’s food chain, or the way mangrove trees in the Everglades help stabilize the coastline, offering habitat for wildlife as they also diminish flooding and erosion.

My coaching niche is depth.

I’ve worked with executives and the unemployed. Those who’ve endured massive, prolonged trauma, and those who consider themselves to have lived a charmed life, yet find themselves swallowed by suffering nonetheless.

The characteristic that will make our coaching relationship either a smashing success, or an acquired taste you feel repelled by, is your willingness to honestly explore your depths. 

The amount of joy I derive from coaching, and the amount of benefit you will receive, is directly proportional to your willingness to be real: to reveal rather than to conceal.

To be sure, armor and boundaries are necessary in certain contexts. And no one comes to coaching in a pristine, perfectly evolved state of open-heartedness. That’s perfectly ok.

It’s about the willingness to explore and be real, not about being good at it.

Often that willingness only arises when we’ve had our heart broken by life. Often repeatedly.

What makes it safe for you to hang with me in the depths?

It’s how I approach our relationship. My role is to facilitate your process at your pace. I follow, I witness your psyche in a loving way. This brings you into contact with your one true teacher: your own inner knowing.

No flavor is for everyone. Not even chocolate: my 12-year old son loathes the stuff.

If life has broken your heart, and you sit on the edge, ready to be a real, messy, fully-expressed human, I’d love to connect.