Trusting your true nature

The first time I tasted my true nature– and knew what it was– was in 2003, in vipassana retreat with my teachers, Pujari and Abhilasha.

I had been back from India for a couple of years, had declared bankruptcy, and was living in a small Utah town to be near “The Last Resort,” Pujari and Abhilasha’s home and retreat center. Nothing much was happening. I was waiting tables. I had no car, and my only acquaintances were my colleagues at the restaurant, run by an eccentric, warm-hearted ex-San Francisco chef. I lived in a small studio that was $250 a month and slept on a futon on the floor.

Sitting and walking, that’s what you do in a vipassana retreat. Pujari also leads a daily yoga session, and Abhilasha’s food is unparalleled. After the opening meal, it is silent until the last day. The only exception is your private interview with Pujari, which happens every other day. You tell him what is coming up, and he supports you in staying with it.

A few days into the retreat a black hole appeared in the center of my chest. It was certainly a novel experience. I remember being slightly disturbed, but mostly curious, just sitting, watching this strong sucking sensation in the chest.

My interview with Pujari came. I told him about the black hole. He calmly nodded and said, good, good, stay with it. Just allow. Trusting him, I went back to the meditation bench and did just that. Not trying to change it, fix it, make it different…just participating with the experience of black hole-ness in my chest.

Was it hours, days, that I sat with the black hole? Time ceases to have much meaning in that setting, once you surrender to the rhythm of the practice.

Eventually, in an instant, the black hole disappeared. At the same instant, something happened to my heart. It was expansive. More than expansive, it was without limit. Effortlessly my heart saw all beings, including those who are the most violent towards others, with total compassion. My mind was quiet, not intoxicated at all, and I could direct my heart to look upon any aspect of the universe, which was now clearly not separate, with this exquisite compassion.

Again, I have no idea how long this lasted, and it doesn’t matter. I’ve never been the same.

Of course, since then, I’ve remained a messy human being, and I don’t walk around in that state all the time. I take things personally, react unskillfully, have all the emotions.

But since that experience, all that mess happens within a different context.

The context used to be: I am a schmuck. Weak, not worth much. Depressed, not capable of much. Basically unlovable.

Now the context is: I am aware of who I really am: an interconnected soul who possesses limitless compassion.

That’s who you are too.

All our suffering occurs because we forget, or we’ve never seen it clearly.

More than 20 years later, I am just starting to trust it, meaning, to act as if I believe it, to live my life in congruence with this truth.

When I work with clients, I don’t pathogize anything. Instead, I remember who you are, and we work with whatever arises within that context.